Expert level

Expert level rapids on our first day rafting. El Capitan is counting on us to carry the German family that unknowingly wandered into the expert 'level 5 rapids'. Eduardo, our supposed guide, is so high as a kite, so high the vultures can't reach him, his response to our limited local tongue is to repeat 'bienvenido Rio Suarez' every other sentence. The first set of level four rapids seem like child's play to our merry band of misfits, but when we got into our first whirlpool of imminent death and destruction our mindset changed... A little bit. We rally our compatriots in the only way they know how; Seit ihr bereit? Einz, zwei, drei! Fraulein something bounced around the raft so much that El Capitan put skipper Bies on her six, ready to save that bubbly ass of a lady (she was slightly very much overweight, and Bies was obviously the lightest person on the boat; what could possibly go wrong). When our trusty raft finally betrayed us in one of the level 5 rapids and we continued to do a vertical front flip 360 we somehow all just keep rowing. Seconds pass before William and I realize that we are rowing upside down underwater. It took me some time to reach the surface but when I did I noticed that I was alone. When the rest of the team finally surfaces along the upside-down raft, Willem is candidly rowing/drowning some twenty odd meters away. Just when the swell is about to consume him, cunty Kevin the lifeguard shows up to save the day, only to run his skiff into Willem's head. (he was supposed to save anyone that would fall overboard; I don’t think the guides expected this much of a current/us flipping the entire raft) Being a team player, Willem decided against impaling old Kev with his paddle.
The crew is down to two paddles, which is plenty considering the Germans weren't contributing anything to the war effort anyway (times have changed, indeed). Intoxicated Eduardo is oblivious to the directions of cunty Kev, which probably means that we'll flip the raft again soon. He keeps on rambling about Rio Suarez, but this time around he might actually be on to something like a faulty clock that is right twice a day. We have reached the intersection of the rivers Fonce and Suarez, which means our ordeal has come to an end. Shit, already? We wanted to give that raft flip the old college try again!